4am ramblings at 11pm

So. Aly is a big bad college student now. In roughly fifteen days I will be headed of to a university in Indiana, six hours away from my hometown by car.

I went shopping the other day, and bought Hello Kitty band-aids and coffee. I am so ready.

College is so cliché. It's the "next chapter" in my life. Guess what? I am so fucking tired of chapters. I'm a freaking novel already and I'm only 18. ...It's only about 11pm my time, and I already sound like I've been up half the night. Did I mention how incredibly terrified I am of this next "chapter"? It's not even a chapter, it's the beginning of another fricken book.

I live in a little trap of a tourist town, where everything has been pretty much the same for the last 18 years of my life. I don't do change well. I struggle with the fact that I'm going to lose people, probably because I fear being alone more than anything else. Laughable really...an introvert with a fear of being alone. I guess it's not too bad, considering I mean in the long run. I can do alone, for short periods of time, in fact, I need it, it's just the prospect of being alone for the rest of my life that freaks me out.

I guess this fear is fueled by the fact that alot of the people I love end up leaving. We grow apart, and somehow I feel like it's my fault. Maybe if I were better somehow, they would still like me, still want to be around me. I don't know what it is that I do. I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party here, don't misunderstand, I'm just speculating and analyzing myself a little. This is probably why I don't get close to people very easily. Or, it could be the crazy, depressed, psycho inside of me. Whatever the case- the fact that I'm so unwilling to trust anyone screws up my relationships-not that I've had any romantic ones. I want to love someone, and I want someone to love me. It just seems like an impossibility with how fucked up I've been in the past.

Well now, this is getting a wee bit to much pour moi, and so, moving on. I'm trying to teach myself to play the guitar, I have a nice fender acoustic. I love it, but most of the time it just sits there, because I'm not sure what to do, and don't have the cash...or time...to pay for lessons for myself. So, if anyone has any tips at all, I'd LOVE to hear them, and I would thank you profusely for sharing.  

I am seriously craving some sort of ridiculous cereal concoction. Pardon me whilst I go for something to eat...it's been 12 hours since my last meal...But before I go- my family is watching the news in another room...and it's talking about someone finding two baby skeletons...I HATE the news...I don't want to know these things...all they do is make me want to cry. Now...food.

XXX

It is now roughly midnight, so that we are aware of how much time has passed since I began writing this...I had to make my food...our cereal selection was poor..so I ate something else.

Major points for making it this far, anyone who does. I am amazed you're still reading. Obviously, you are incredibly bored...or, I'm just ridiculous enough to keep your interest. Whatever..on and on.

I've been doing some prose writing lately, which hasn't happened in a while, actually, so I'm pleased with myself for that. There's a little wall up around the poetic side of my brain right now, sadly. I need to hunt for inspiration tomorrow- it's just growing harder to find for some reason.

I'm not sure what to go with for my mood...i'm not sure there's an emote for "bi-polar lunatic". I feel like that's what this journal says about me. I switch emotions so many times it's not even funny. ^^ so for now it's "distracted".

Anyway, before this gets too long...well, to much longer, I bid you all goodnight...or...morning, day, whatever time it may be for you.


Aly